Miss National Lampoon's Road Trip
by frankenfeels
Summary: Britta takes her children  Troy and Abed, obviously  to Comic-Con 2011.
1. Chapter 1

She doesn't know how it happened. Maybe it was the booze. Maybe she was lonely. Maybe it was because of his or _their _insistence. Regardless of **how** it happened, Britta Perry was driving her children—the twenty-one-year old ex-star quarterback, former prom king Troy Barnes and twenty-mm-year old, film student, possible Asperger patient Abed Nadir—to Comic Con-oh-eleven.

"Road trip!" Troy yelled in singsong, while lifting a six-pack of Yoo-hoo over his head. "We're driving one thousand miles to go see—"Troy threw the Yoo-hoo in the back of Britta's strangely new Prius—"Thor and... and Ironman and Sheriff Grimes!"

Abed silently walked up behind Troy, like a ghost, and threw a sleeping bag into the back, "I hope they'll show something for the Avengers. I'd be disappointed if they didn't."

"Yeah", Troy said as he and Abed did their high-five, "I hope it's not like the third X-Men", Britta and Pierce came out of his mansion, talking, "That sucked."

..."Thanks Pierce for some money, though I doubt we'd use it, but thanks anyway", Britta said, gently taking five or six hundred-dollar bills.

"Ah, well, I just want to make sure that you three get back alright", Pierce said as Abed and Troy got in the backseat.

"So, Pierce", Troy said, leaning out the window, "whaddya going to do while I'm gone?"

"Oh", Pierce said as he leaned against the car, "maybe I'll have my girlfriend over"—everyone rolled their eyes—"have a couple parties. I don't know. I don't play by any rules, y'know."

"Okay, Pierce", Britta opened her door, "just don't overdo it, okay? We don't want you back in a wheelchair again."

Pierce moved closer to Britta, looking deeply into her eyes, then placed his hand on her shoulder, and slowly started to stroke her, "I won't", he said in a low voice. A painful, awkward silence overcame the four, as Pierce stared at Britta, who was shifting her eyes in uncertainty.

"Well", Britta said slowly as she gently, but vigorously took Pierce's hand off her, "we better leave so we'd get there by tomorrow morning." Britta got her into her car and started it; the car quietly rumbled to life.

"Why don't you call and hang out with Jeff?" Troy said, leaning further out of the window.

"He's not here", Abed said, matter-of-factly. "He told me he was going to explore the galaxy for intelligent life", Abed paused to think, "although that could have been sarcasm."

"I think it was", Britta said putting the car into drive. "Goodbye Pierce", she said waving her hand out of the window as Pierce stepped back and as a sea of "goodbyes" was emitted from the back of her Prius.

"Bye!" Pierce said, waving, "drive safely!" Britta pulled out of Pierce's long and curved driveway and headed south. They were on the road by nine, surprisingly, a half-hour ahead of schedule. Britta was surprised and was amazed on how long it didn't take for the goodbyes and the hugging and the kissing from Shirley and Annie. It usually took, at least, twenty minutes for everybody to say his or her goodbyes after studying for an hour, even though they would see each other the next day at the same time. Honestly, it took not even thirty minutes for their goodbyes and tears, with a heavy and long lecture from Shirley on driving safely and how to carefully take off spandex to avoid loss of blood circulation and rippage.

It was quiet in the car for a while before Abed asked, rather frankly, "I wonder where Jeff is. I haven't seen him since classes ended and he hasn't responded to any of our calls."

"He hasn't responded to any of my calls either", Britta muttered as she took a right.

"What was that, Britta?" Troy asked, leaning towards her seat.

"Oh, nothing, nothing. I just said he's bonded to his balls or something so he probably went out to find a woman to get laid or...something", Britta said, timidly and quickly. Troy and Abed both knitted their brows together in confusion and Britta, now trying to change the subject, asked Abed, uneasily, "So Abed..." Abed looked at Britta's direction in interest, "what did you have to do to allow your father to let you go on this trip?"

"Oh, well, I asked him if I could go to San Diego since it _is_ the falafel capital of the U. S. and maybe I could learn a thing or two there", Abed said, coolly.

"San Diego is the falafel capital of the U. S.?" Troy asked Abed.

"That's what I told him", Abed said, nodding his head, "and it seems like he believed me as he told me to take notes."

"Abed", Britta said gently, "you shouldn't have lied to your father. You should have told him that you were going to Comic-Con", Britta flickered her eyes to Abed in the rearview mirror; "I think he would have understood."

"Nah, my dad thinks that comic books denigrates Middle Easterns, especially now, and he also thinks that the paper would be better used holding falafels and not stories of castles in the sky and wild, fun adventures that don't show the hardships and sorrows of real life."

"_Doesn't show the hardships and sorrows of real life_?" Troy screeched, anger bubbling over, "Obviously he has not read an issue of Batman!...Or Spiderman!...Or The Hulk! Especially The Hulk! Y'know it's not easy being green."

An uncomfortable silence overcame the car as soon as Troy finished his rant, '_Why does an awkward silence _always _happen in my car?'_ Britta thought, biting the inside of her cheek. She sniffed loudly and turned on her radio to break the silence.


	2. Chapter 2

"Let's get out and stretch our legs", Britta quietly told to Abed and Troy, who were in the backseat sleeping. Britta got out and stretched her arms into the air. Britta had been driving for almost four hours and had to stop at a gas station to get something to drink to refuel her. Troy and Abed slowly got out of the car, the sun blinding them.

"Ah, me eyes", Troy whined inaudibly as he covered his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"I need to go release the Kraken", Abed said, stretching, pointing to the general area of the bathroom.

Britta smiled a slightly happy smile as Troy and Abed walked off to the gas station. "Britta? Britta Perry?" a male voice asked behind her. Britta slowly turned her head towards the voice, her smile fading as her head turned. It was the voice of her first and most serious crush, Harrison Parlance III.

Harrison Parlance III is a dreadful, darkly handsome man and the typical rich, snake-like playboy, who never really had to work. He is the heir to the Parlance fortune, worth an approximate five hundred million dollars and had recently been in the news on account of him crashing his speedboat into a beach house along the California coast while intoxicated.

"_Heeeeeeey_", Britta said, in a sweetly fake voice, as she leaned against her car.

Harrison smirked craftily, "How long has it been since the Greendale Country Club dance?"

Britta held her breath—her mouth gapping open—in thought before saying in a cracked voice, "Ten—thirteen years?"

"Wow", Harrison said, studying Britta as if she was an ant, "and you've really grown up."

Britta bit the inside of her cheek to keep her from blushing, "Well, everyone looks horrible when they're teenagers", she said slowly as she could, wishing that Troy and Abed would come back.

"I wasn't", he said promptly and unkindly, "I was star of the lacrosse team, prom king, and valedictorian. Handsome, dashing, the star of every girl's eye."

"Ah, yes, you're right", Britta hissed coldly and rolled her eyes noticeably, "because you **are** perfect and I'm not"; Britta paused and then quickly added, "is that why you stood me up at the dance?"

Harrison smirked a callous smile and said, condescendingly, "Well, I didn't think that the two hundred bucks your mother paid me was enough to take a total dog to _the _social event of the season."

Britta squeezed her hands into a fist until her knuckles turned white, but somehow stared at Harrison with an intense, chilly gaze and said to him, as calmly and frigidly as possible, "Anyhow, I'm glad that you didn't take me out", Britta grinned despicably, "I just didn't have any idea how to tell you that _five hundred _dollars that _your _mother and the _three hundred _dollars that _my_ mother gave me wasn't enough for me to go out with you."

An icy silence soon enveloped the two before Troy leisurely and quietly walked over to Britta and asked her, in a child-like voice, "Britta, may I please have some money to buy some nachos?"

"Yeah sure", Britta told to Troy as she pulled out her eco-friendly wallet from her jacket, while still intently staring at Harrison. She pulled out a twenty and handed it to Troy, "But, would you mind buying me a green tea please", she said sweetly while smiling at Troy.

"Yeah, sure, and thank you", Troy muttered walking off to the gas station, but not before giving Harrison the evil eye. Britta placed her wallet back in her jacket and focused her stare back at Harrison.

"Is that your boyfriend?"

"My, my, my...is that jealously I hear?" Britta asked, beaming a smile.

"No it isn't, I just didn't figure you as the type who would teach daycare."

Britta smirked, "He's just a friend, dear Harrison. He, I, and another friend are going to Comic-Con."

Harrison hesitated before asking, "May I call you when you get back to town?"

Britta knotted her brows in confusion, "Didn't I hear that you just got married to,—who was it? Alison Jacobs?"

"And?" Harrison appeared to be genuinely confused as Britta continued to stare at him before he sighed and said with an uninterested tone, "We got married last summer, but, lately, she's been a real buzzkill ever since she miscarried."

Britta's mouth dropped in shock at Harrison, "I don't think"—she noticed Abed and Troy at the cash register—"it would be such a good idea if you called me." Abed and Troy came out of the gas station carrying two bags full of junk food. "Look", Britta started, gently, and pointed to her car, "I gotta go."

Britta and Troy got into the car as Abed, with his head tilted in thought, examined at Harrison, and quickly asked, "Do you have herpes?"

"What?" Harrison said, biting his bottom lip in alarm.

"You have some blisters around your mouth, that you tried to cover with make-up, poor job I say, while your lymph nodes in your neck are unusually enlarged, and you're sweating heavily even though you're wearing thin clothes and it's not hot which means that you just recently got herpes", Abed said coolly.

"I...I don't have herpes, sir, and I advise you to watch your tongue", Harrison stammered out before motioning to Abed and saying to Britta, "Britta, baby..."

Abed quickly got into the car, as Harrison stumbled back in order to let Britta pull out and, also mainly, because he was stunned. "Harrison, we _really _have to go. Can't be late to see Sherlock or **heads will roll**. Bye-bye Harrison", Britta said, holding back laughter, as she pulled out, drove out of the gas station parking lot, and continued to head southwest towards California. They only got three miles or so before Britta's face broke into a giddy, mad grin and started laughing. "Oh my gosh, Abed", Britta giggled out and then said in her normal voice; "I can't believe you said that to him. Y'know he's worth about half a billion dollars."

"Troy told me that handsome guy was bothering you and making you mad so I decided to show him what happens if he messes with you", Abed said as Troy handed him a bag of popcorn.

"Yeah, we got your back, Britta", Troy said as he took out a sour worm and plopped it in his mouth.

"Well", Britta said, trying to hide a smile and a blush, "thank you both so very much." Abed obnoxiously opened the bag and Troy grabbed a handful of popcorn. "Hey!" Britta said sharply, "you two better not make a mess in my car or I'll kick both your asses and both of you will have to clean my car out."

"Yes, mom", Abed and Troy said together, sarcastically, which made Britta blush heavily and smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Britta drove for another three hours before she told Troy to drive for a few hours before she passed out. Abed sat in the passenger's seat to allow Britta to lay on the car seats. "Okay", Abed said to Troy only twenty or thirty minutes into the drive, "truth or dare?"

"Ah—truth!" Troy smiled and stated cheerfully.

"Which person in the study group would you date?"

"Uh", Troy said apprehensively, "pass", he said curtly.

"You can't pass", Abed said rather bluntly, "I didn't pass when you dared me to eat the bird poo from the windshield."

"I didn't dare you to do that"—Troy paused—"I dared you to—ship!" Troy yelled his eyes wide as he stopped the car.

"Troy, how long are you going to stay in your little fantasy world?" Britta muttered on the seat with her eyes still closed.

"No look!" Troy shouted, pointing forward, "A giant ship!"

Britta sat up, while rubbing her eyes, and asked, "Where?"

"There!" Troy yelled, still pointing to the ship on its side in the middle of the road.

"Now, what the hell is a boat doing in the center of the road?" Britta asked, holding onto the door handle, then hastily opened and stepped out.

"Obviously they got shipwrecked here", Abed said dryly, as he got out of the car too. Britta put her sunglasses on as she walked towards the faded red and white ship, which was blocking the road. It was an old and medium sized boat, although it wasn't damaged, but it had dried barnacles on the bottom, which you could tell that it had been used for almost ten years. The name was boldly painted on the side in black paint, _'The Flying Dutchman'_.

"Oh, what a creative name", Britta said sarcastically then said in an exaggerated high-pitched voice while waving her arms around, "Oh I'm a captain on_ 'The Flying Dutchman' _and I think I'm so cool because I named my boat _'The Flying Dutchman'_"—Britta then started doing a hoe down while singing in an old Southern voice—"I'm a boat captain! I'm a boat captain! Watch out everybody I'm a boat captain!"

"Okay Britta", Troy said to her, holding out his hand to calm her down, "we get it, you're a boat captain—but settle down before you become a boat captain in a padded room."

Abed gently stroked the bottom of the ship, "It's been here for only a couple hours. The barnacles are still somewhat wet", he rubbed his fingers together and then smelled his fingers, "and the smell is still very excessive."

"No shit, Sherlock", Britta cynically said to Abed, "but that doesn't help us _at all_", Britta strolled over to the other side of the boat to study it. "I don't see anything over here", Britta shouted to Troy and Abed. "What the hell is a boat doing here?" Britta muttered to herself again as she shook her head in confusion. She sighed, placed her hands on her hips, and surveyed the land around the boat.

They were in Nevada, a few hours outside of Las Vegas, she surmised, along Route 93, in the middle of nowhere. It was a bit windy, which caused Britta to constantly pat and tucking her hair behind her ears. Britta felt so small; the desert was too big, too much space, and too empty.

"Britta", a voice behind Britta said softly, startling her, "I think we should just drive around the boat and get back on the road", Troy said.

"Hm", Britta muttered, not looking at Troy, but at the landscape, "I'm surprised you and Abed don't want to find out why the boat is here."

"Ah, well, we both think that Comic-Con is _more _important and interesting than a boat in the middle of the road", Troy said softly while wandering along the side of the boat.

Britta gazed at Troy before lightly slapping her thighs and walking back towards the car. "We'll have to drive right there", Britta said, pointing alongside the dip in the road and the vegetation, "and then just get back on the road after that." They all got back into the car as Troy drove towards the boat, slowly and carefully. "Careful, careful", Britta said, leaning on the driver's seat, her breath on Troy's neck.

"_If you keep breathing on my neck, I won't be able to_", Troy thought, getting goosebumps. He slowed down as he went down the small hill of the highway and edged around the boat, then he sped up, only slightly, up the hill and back on the road.

"Great", Britta said, leaning back in the seat while Troy sped up and continued to drive, "I'm going back to sleep", she laid back down on the seat, "wake me up when we run into a plane on the road."


	4. Chapter 4

They got to San Diego at three on the morning of July 21, the first day of Comic-Con. "Ah, here we are", Britta said to herself as she pulled into the parking lot of the hotel. "Troy, Abed, we're here", she said soothingly as she parked. "Troy! Abed!" Britta said louder, as she got out of the car, "we're at the hotel!"

"Ah, oh", Troy staggered as he slowly opened his eyes.

"C'mon guys", Britta said opening the trunk, "come get your stuff so we can get to bed."

Abed and Troy slowly got out of the car and grabbed their bags to follow Britta to the hotel, where they checked in. Britta bid them farewell as she left to her own room and Troy and Abed checked into their rooms, where they crashed until seven when they got up.

"Ah!" Troy moaned as Abed and he went down the elevator. "I'm _tired_", they got off the elevator and walked into the lobby where Britta was waiting for them.

"Hey guys", Britta said, glancing at them while setting down a magazine and standing up from a chair. "You guys ready for Comic-Con?"

"Sure are", Abed said, smoothly.

"Nice shirt", Troy said, motioning to Britta's shirt with the nod of his head.

"Yeah", Britta said slowly, as she opened her leather jacket to reveal a handmade _Sherlock _t-shirt. "Annie made it for me when she found out that I love _ Sherlock_", Britta then motioned to Troy's t-shirt, "nice Spiderman shirt. I'm surprised you aren't going in costume."

Abed and Troy shifted their feet before Abed said, "We're going in them tomorrow."

"Yeah", Troy said with his hands in his jacket's pocket, "we're just wearing our Halloween costumes, although I had to remake mine after we all got roofied at the Halloween party."

"Weren't you guys the Queen Alien and Ripley?"

Abed nodded and then said, "We're wearing them tomorrow 'cause the panel is tomorrow."

"Oh!" Britta exclaimed before she pulled out her purse and took out their badges, "Here are our badges", she said as she handed them the badges.


	5. Chapter 5

They spent the day, walking panel to panel, until, the end of the day, where they debated about which panel they were to see last.

"I demand that we go to the _Spiderman _panel", Troy said, voice firm.

"Now, Troy", Britta said, softly, "we already went to two of yours today, Abed", she turned to Abed, "what panel do _you_ want to go to next?"

Abed shrugged and said, "I don't really care which one we go to."

Britta sighed, "Alright fine, but after this one, I'm leaving."

Troy and Abed smiled as they walked to the _Spiderman _panel. It was crowded and they were barely able to make it into the room, without having to stand and jump to see over everybody. The panel lasted for almost an hour, with occasional shouts and insults from a man twenty feet away from them.

"Wow", Troy whispered, "does that guy is _really _loves his _Spiderman_ or what?"

Britta shook her head in annoyance as she continued to crane her neck to hear and see the cast. Finally, the panel was over and as Britta, Abed, and Troy walked to the exits, Abed suddenly said in a calm tone, "Hey, look. It's Jeff."

Britta arched her neck to see around people to where Abed was pointing that Jeff was at, "Jeff?" Britta yelled to the general direction.

And it was Jeff. Except he was clad in _Spiderman _costume t-shirt and had a bunch of _Spiderman _souvenirs in his arms. Jeff's face fell when he saw Abed, Britta, and Troy. "Oh hey", he said in an unnerving voice as they walked over to him. "What are you guys doing here?"

"I think we should be asking _you_ the same question", Troy said, smiling.

"I didn't know you were such a _Spiderman_ geek", Britta said, trying to hold back a smirk. "Were you the guy shouting abuses during the panel?"

"Phfft, no!" Jeff said, his eyes shifting around.

"So you _were _the guy!" Britta said, pointing at Jeff as Troy's and her eyes widen.

"I was just doing that because they're ruining _Spiderman_, y'know. God knows they already did that with _Spiderman 3_."

Britta nodded her head and then said to Jeff, "So, what are you doing now?"

Jeff shrugged, "I don't know. I might try to sleep with that Princess Leia over there", he said as he pointed to a slave Princess Leia.

"Real mature", Britta said, curtly.

"More mature than that homemade _Sherlock_ t-shirt", Jeff glanced at her shirt.

"Hey! I have you know that Annie made this for me!"

"So Jeff", Abed asked, serenely, "you wanna come with us to get dinner?"

Jeff loudly sighs and then asks, begrudgingly, "Where are you going?"

"Denny's?", "I don't know", and "No" were all said at the same time by Troy, Abed, and Britta, respectively.

"How 'bout Mexican?" Jeff suggested.

"Awesome!", "Okay", and "Fine" were said, once again, at the same time by Troy, Abed, and Britta, respectively.


	6. Chapter 6

They went out to eat Mexican that night for supper and, every day for the rest of Comic-Con, Jeff met Abed, Britta, and Troy in their hotel lobby at, promptly, eight o'clock. When Comic-Con was over, Jeff drove home with them, Troy driving into Greendale at four in the morning on Tuesday, with Britta waking up in Jeff's arms.


End file.
